CPTSDcoldcase

INTERGENERATIONAL TRANSMISSION OF SADISTICALLY INCESTUOUS SEEDS

         The reason that I chose this title is that it came out of my creative mind while I was creating a poem entitled ‘When you look at me what do you see’.  It fit the narrative and flow so perfectly but seemed like such a large inclusion for a poem that I hoped had rhythm.  Then it seemed to me that this phrase had so much more to say.  In my biological line when I was assigned to trace it in graduate school one of our course textbooks was entitled ‘you can go home again’ its simple family therapy.  One of the tasks that Dr. Lehman had assigned involved the creation of a ‘family tree’ at the time, this worried me since I was in therapy discussing the dysfunctional family that I had come from.  I thought that I would just make this assignment up and structure it like I had an epiphany.  Then as intellectual pursuits happen this enraptured my mind, and I really wanted to know more about what composed my gene pool.

         Robert was a begrudgingly helpful entity; he never sat down and discussed the family with me as a father to a son.  What transpired was that the usual where if I wanted to ask him about something I had to time my questions to his mood and even then, three questions were his limit.  I started as soon as I read this assignment on my syllabus and slowly an outline began to fill out from the shadows of a history, I was surprised I knew so much about.  As part of this process, you had to draw your family history out using the corrected signs and symbols for family titles and dynamics.  Then they’re where these lines of heredity that had to be drawn as certain psycho-social information was gained and connected through the family over the passage of time.  One theme was of course addiction, but it seemed that only my Uncle Joe was an alcoholic even though my father drank enough to keep up with him lol.  Then Glenda was not even perceived as a possible candidate since she had convinced everyone that her pharmaceutical meds where due to her asthma.  Yes, I was learning to be a clinician and still missed one of my own Mother’s biggest lies lol. 

         Then I noticed that there was a connection between the educated and do gooder’s.  At the level of grandparents their existed a man referred to as ‘uncle Dr. Joe’ he was a full-fledged physician who according to legend traveled throughout Sherman and its farms and ranches.  He did house and rural visits and would accept payment in whatever form the people had.  Then at the level of parents there was Uncle Joe who though a serious alcoholic earned a law degree and did in fact help the country people out by accepting what they could offer.  Then this line ended, neither my brothers nor any of my cousins chose a path for serving others.  In fact, at this time, I was still considered an outcast or black sheep according to Glenda.  She had conspired with my younger brother to spread a rumor that I was a homosexual.  While I was attending Texas Tech and residing in Lubbock Texas, she wanted this heart-to-heart conversation with me over the phone.  She kept calling the house phone and I had roommates, so they answered, and I kept ending the phone conversation abruptly since I know how she works and it was just a call meant to upset me in some manner.  However, she kept calling and when my roommates answered she would plead with them to intercede upon her behalf and encourage this phone call.  Thus, I was stuck on the phone and took the cordless outside since I didn’t want my roommates in my business. 

         Within minutes I was already crying as the stress increased and her accusations of wasting money at Texas tech when I could live at home and attend UTA began in a fever pitch of finding some way to get me to sympathize with her.  She had offered to help pay for my rent and that opened doors that allowed her to victimize me as a prisoner on the phone.  She wasn’t achieving the usual amount of satisfaction from this long-distance terrorist act so as usual she started to upp her game and began with how much my dog missed me.  I had housed my dog ‘sunshine’ with my cousins to avoid this complication, but she kept it in her arsenal.  Then as I was working my way off the phone, believing that she would be satiated enough to stop calling.  Then she blurted out, “I know why you left me and moved to Lubbock”.  This did catch me off guard and I paused, and she heard hesitation and then informed me that she knew I was a homosexual, and that Texas Tech was a more accepting school.  Just for the reader I want you to know that when I would take the foster children to church on Sundays, I often heard the fire and brimstone speech of how ‘gays went to hell’ this of course would be followed by so many extremely hatful things that I couldn’t believe that this was said in church, meaning that west Texas was not receptive to homosexuals lol.  This revelation made so much sense at that time as well as for the future when I analyzed various aspects of her abuse style toward me.  Then as I contemplated her spider web of deceit and how this lie of Her’s would benefit her in all facets of time from the past to the present, and then how would this come back on me in the future.

         Apologies for the tangent from the past but sometimes things grasp my mind and the ADD takes over lol.  What I connected from this assignment involved that each generation had a positive do gooder that was educated so that they could become of more an asset to people professionally.  Never before in my life had I seen much of anything as a positive in my family of origin.  Now due to this directed interaction and quantifying search for detail, I have actually grown in a positive manner based upon facts about the family.  As it sits now with my nieces and nephews, I don’t know any who is choosing a profession that will help the greater good.  Doesn’t mean that none of them will change their mind but all but two have graduated college already.  This is concluding my intergenerational format of my title explanation lol.  Children competing in a UIL competition of intellectual compacity were just here and they found a spider hanging from the ceiling.  It was a moment of distraction from documenting the challenges of my life and I wanted to share since this is why I write in public.  Wonderful distractions from high school children as they were fascinated by a spider hanging from its web lol.  I hope in your journey that you encounter distractions that allow you to see the innocence of children or allow you to feel as if someone is thinking about you.

         Now to the sadistic part of the title that I wanted to share.  My history, legend, and lore that encompass my past have been documented extensively over time.  The reason it came out in the poem involved how I didn’t know enough about my past to have seen the pattern of the sadistic quality both Robert and Glenda shared.  I hadn’t had my flashbacks yet, at least not the ones that had to do with murder.  In the poem I expressed how my family dynamics were sadistic before I was even a thought for the future.  This brings to illumination how repressed my traumas where and how even years of therapy and a class assignment that involved therapeutic homework still did not open my amnesic mind.  I hope that one day science will have caught up and identified the mechanisms that played a role in how completely disconnected my traumas became.  Then the question of why I recovered mine and others did not.  I believe that my personality structure and my focus on helping others really played a part.  Then my chosen profession and how I structured my pursuit of accomplishing that goal, which involved working in as many places that I could to gain experience with abused youth, abused children is how I referred to them way back then.  An additional query involves how, even though all my stages and being mad at the world for the difficulty of life I was living that I never not once acted out on others in a violent manner.  When you read this and discuss this openly, I hope that academia has advanced to a point where these questions will be closer to an acceptable resolution.

         Now the incestuous part of this title has a great deal to do with Glenda’s attempt to incest me.  To act in a seductive manner while nude or removing her clothes.  This was a much more difficult trauma to overcome.  Yes, the betrayal was intense, and the shock ran deep into my psyche and repulsed me in ways the other tortures did not.  This behavior on her part had me dry gagging at the site of her I have not heard this response being described in any of my career in relationship to traumatic memories concerning incest.  Then following this she would rage upon me in her attempt to punish me for my rejection and repulsion of her attempt to seduce me.  The beatings that I took after her attempt were legendary in my mind.  Glenda did have an extensive history of attacking me and trying to kill me this again is documented in my journals.  What was new in the case of these revenge attacks included her intense desire to apply first aid through the application of petroleum jelly upon the deep scratches she had dug into my torso and face.  Then she would apply heavy pressure to places she bit me, and I know she was doing this to continue her harm of me since that was the time, she chose to repeat how all of this was my fault and that I did this to myself.  Glenda was just as sadistic as Robert but toward her own child she had taken far more of a sinister enjoyment from taunting them for the wounds she inflicted.

         The seed is the simplest part to include here, that heirloom was a hybrid of Robert and Glenda with a multitude of aspects added.  Many dysfunctions existed in the coupling of the two just a few but not an exhaustive list includes substance abuse, trauma of all types, and blaming the victim.  Another thing I should add here but I don’t have a quick two-word title to emphasize has to do with both of their enjoyments in playing with the victims loved ones and pretending to agree to tell them where bodies are buried when in actuality, they would pre-plan these events with sinister intent and then unfold their theatrical presentation.  The most difficult part for me that I discovered in my flashbacks involved how they revealed all the events after the family left and entertained each other by mocking the sadness they witnessed.  In several of my flashbacks I confronted both Robert and Glenda telling them that they were mean and how I would tell on them.  Then the lights went out and when I woke up the whole event had been cataloged in my amnesic box.  This concludes my discussion of a spontaneous entry that I found so peculiar and introspective.  I hope you enjoyed a trollop through my mind and feel that I revealed some things that you did not know and that it allowed you to know me better than before lol.  Study me and know my story and I wish that it advances you in your own journey to peace.